©August 2021
Katrin Arefy
Sample
(Last 10 pages of the play)
WOMAN
It will be strange to work in the same office now.
MAN
No, don’t worry. I will not bother you or express my feelings anymore.
WOMAN
I know. No, it is not a bother…it’s just weird. I mean…sorry. Don’t know what to say.
(Long pause)
WOMAN
Maybe you are joking, ha?
MAN
Okay, what if I said part of it was a joke? Then what would you do?
WOMAN
Then I would laugh. (Laughs and then remembers that it is not funny) I mean, what do you mean? I would say…I would probably say, hey, look, I have my cat and dishes waiting for me, and you are taking my time with your feelings that are not even there? I would say please respect my time! (Angry)
MAN
Respect your time? You don’t even want to sit with me for ten minutes and have a croissant after I told you all about my feelings for you?
WOMAN
Well, looks like you are confused about your own feelings. One moment we are making fun of love and the next moment you say you love me and then you say you were half joking? I mean, what does that even mean? Half joking like half loving?
MAN
You don’t have to try to understand. I fell in love with a woman who can’t even understand love or humor or anything. (Angry)
WOMAN
Oh great! Now we are fighting! We are in a fight, and we aren’t even lovers yet. I mean we are half lovers because half of us loves and the other half doesn’t. What an odd situation to be in.
MAN
You can call us half lovers, but when I said I would make homemade coffee for you and tell you jokes, I wasn’t joking.
WOMAN
But then when you said you loved me, you were half joking! That is ridiculous. I mean jokes are supposed to be ridiculous but not in this way. This is beyond ridiculous. You are making me worried about you and your feelings, and then you tell me it was a joke?
MAN
I didn’t say it was a joke.
WOMAN
You said—
MAN
I said, what if I told you part of it was a joke. I said what if, WHAT IF, okay? And I said part of it, PART OF IT!
WOMAN
What does part of it mean? Which part of it?
(Long pause)
MAN
No part of it. I said I love you, and I do. (Angry) If I say something, I mean it!
WOMAN
Okay, okay, I am sorry. So when you say different things or opposite things you mean different things or opposite things?
MAN
Yes, maybe. But I didn’t say opposite things. You heard opposite things.
WOMAN
I heard what you said.
MAN
You interpreted what I said…you assumed…you gave my words a meaning I never meant…I meant to, I…(angry)
WOMAN
All right, all right, calm down. I really don’t want to make you upset. We are friends, after all…I mean…friends and half lovers…I guess. Or a quarter lovers, since you were half joking.
MAN
That is not even funny.
WOMAN
Nothing is funny anymore…or at least in this current situation.
(pause)
But on the other hand, it is funny if you look at it…I mean…I guess anything can be funny or not funny depending on how you see it…I mean…I am sorry…It is not even relevant right now.
MAN
It’s okay. I like your philosophical mind.
WOMAN
Oh, shoot. I guess you are serious. I mean you look serious. You look like someone who is in love.
MAN
What made you think I wasn’t?
WOMAN
No, nothing. It is just really strange to…
(Long pause)
WOMAN
Have you told anyone else about it?
MAN
That I love you?
WOMAN
Yeah.
MAN
Like who? People in the office?
WOMAN
Or anyone else who knows me.
MAN
Wait, are you ashamed of being loved by me?
WOMAN
No.
MAN
Oh yes, it is not enough that you don’t love me. To hurt me even more, you tell me that you are ashamed of my love for you. (angry)
WOMAN
Wait.
(Man and woman talk at the same time in a loud and angry manner.)
MAN
I am not asking for love. I am not even asking for compassion, but I deserve respect. Just respect as a human being. I fell in love with a bitch, with someone who not only doesn’t have a heart, but also doesn’t have a brain. Empty. She’s all empty up there, and why do I love her…
WOMAN
I didn’t say that. Wait. Okay, I am sorry, but it is not my fault. I can’t…what do you want from me? You are making me feel stressed, and you are making me feel like a piece of shit. Why would you love someone…
(Woman takes the croissant from man’s hand and puts it into his mouth by force.)
WOMAN
Now you will shut up. (Laughs)
MAN
(Laughs) You see? This is why I love you.
WOMAN
Oh, (laughs) shut up now.
MAN
Who can do that? Laugh in the middle of a fight?
(Long pause)
WOMAN
Can we change the subject? I don’t want to fight with you.
MAN
Yes, we can change the subject, my love. How about you tell me about your family. Do you have siblings?
WOMAN
It’s awkward when you call me “my love.” Could you please not do that?
MAN
Yes, ma’am. Ma’am, do you have siblings?
WOMAN
That was even more awkward. Just don’t call me anything for now.
MAN
Okay, pssst, do you have siblings? (Laughs)
WOMAN
(Laughs) Yes, I do. I have a sister. She is two years younger than me, but sometimes I ask for her advice. She never asks me for advice. She is a knower.
MAN
Is Noer another character from a book that I didn’t read?
WOMAN
No, (laughs) I made that word up. You know how we say she is a seer, or she is a listener? My sister is a knower. That means she knows everything, even things that she doesn’t know.
(Man laughs) Woman Continues
You ask her anything, and she has a strong opinion. She has a strange habit of closing her eyes and holding her chin up when she talks. That is how knowers talk. So, when I need to make a decision, and I need help, I ask her. She speaks as if she knows everything, so even though I know she is probably wrong, I can convince myself to do what she said. Just because of the way she speaks with her stupid confidence.
MAN
(Laughs) I am confused. I can’t tell if you are praising her or criticizing her.
WOMAN
(Laughs) I can’t tell either. But that is my sister.
Gosh…don’t look at me like that please.
MAN
Like what?
WOMAN
Like a lover.
MAN
What? I…? Do you want me to close my eyes?
WOMAN
No, that is too much to ask. No, I don’t. (Pause)
We should do something about this. We can’t change the subject and pretend…
MAN
What can we do? You can’t cure love. You can’t delete love. You can’t redo love. It is what it is. I love you, and you don’t love me. It is as simple as that.
WOMAN
You think that’s simple? Look, there are tons of books written about one-sided loves. People can commit suicide in this situation. It is serious. I am worried. Maybe it is good you don’t read books.
MAN
It’s not that I never held a book in my hand. I have read a few books in my life.
WOMAN
It’s okay. You don’t have to read books. I mean, even if you did, I couldn’t love you. Sorry, I am not trying to be mean. I am just trying to find a solution.
MAN
Solution?
WOMAN
How do you feel right now? Close your eyes, get in touch with your emotions, and tell me the first thing that comes to your mind.
MAN
(Closes his eyes. Pauses)
It’s the same feeling. That I want to hug you tight. But don’t worry, I won’t.
WOMAN
(Sighs, pauses, then starts crying.)
MAN
What happened? I am sorry. This wasn’t the right time to tell you. The stars were not aligned, as you said.
WOMAN
No, it’s not you. I just…I just feel sad because I want to be loved, but not by you. I wish you were someone else. Someone I could love in return. You know, a handsome man, smart, and accomplished, well-read, and…not in a green T-shirt but maybe in a blue button-up or something. (Pause) It is just a lose-lose situation, you know? Sad for me, sad for you.
MAN
(sad) Yes, I see that. It is definitely not a happy situation. But I am happy to be sitting next to you on the asphalt. I love how you can be stylish and classy and suddenly sit down in the middle of the street. That is just awesome. I love how you can be serious and efficient at work and come out with croissants in your bag. I love how you can laugh while crying.
WOMAN
(Continues crying) I want a lover who is smart, successful, and who makes me proud. Someone I can’t wait to see every night when I go home, and maybe he even would take the dishes out of the dishwasher, but that is not important. He would be from a good family, and his parents would adore me. We would go for neighborhood walks at night. He would hug me. I would put my head on his shoulder, and he would kiss my forehead. (Her sadness lingers into a long pause.)
MAN
I could kiss your forehead too, if you would allow me.
WOMAN
Someone with whom I could talk about The Master and Margarita, and he would have an insight that could blow my mind. Someone who would hold me tight all night.
MAN
I could hold you…
WOMAN
Someone who would want to travel with me, make a home with me, laugh with me…
MAN
I…
WOMAN
(Burst into tears) Shut up! Please shut up!
MAN
(Stares at her with so much love in his eyes. Reaches out to pat her head but stops himself.)
WOMAN
(Bursts into laugher) Imagine if I could love you! (Blows her nose loudly and cleans the tears away. Laughs) Can you imagine?
MAN
Yes, I can.
WOMAN
We would make a baby, maybe a girl that would look like you, fat and (laughs) not so pretty, sorry, I am joking. She would be lazy like you. I would have to push you both to do anything. I doubt you would empty the dishwasher, but that is not important. I wouldn’t care if I loved you.
MAN
(Very sad) I am sorry I can never be a good candidate for you in my wildest dreams. I am sorry. I wish I was different…smarter…more handsome.
WOMAN
Oh, no. I am sorry. That was so mean, what I said. You see, I told you, when I am stressed, I say things that I later regret or don’t even remember. I am sorry. What did I say? I said something terrible, right?
MAN
No, not at all. You just said the truth. You said what you want and that was not at all who I am or I could ever become. You didn’t say anything wrong but I…I am just feeling sadness.
WOMAN
Gosh, I am so sorry. I made you sad. I wish I could at least hug you as a friend, but that would be awkward in this situation. I don’t know what to do.
MAN
It’s okay. I will just close my eyes and imagine that you are hugging me and then I will feel better.
WOMAN
Oh, gosh…really?
MAN
(Closes his eyes and feels the love and the hug in his imagination.)
(Woman stares at him as if she had seen a strange animal in the middle of the street.)
WOMAN
And, how does that feel?
MAN
(With eyes still closed)
Awesome!
WOMAN
(Looks carefully and thoughtfully and decides to do the same. Closes her eyes and feels sweet dreams.)
MAN
(Opens his eyes and smiles seeing her do that. Waits for a while. Then quietly asks.)
I don’t want to interrupt, but are you hugging the smart guy?
WOMAN
(Embarrassed.)
Were you watching me? That is not nice.
MAN
The stars are coming out. I am going to lie down and watch the sky. Do you mind?
WOMAN
Oh, no, I don’t. (Stares at him and decides to do the same. Tries to put her bag under her head.)
MAN
Do you have any question for the stars?
WOMAN
I do. (Sighs)
MAN
(Sigh) What is your question, love?
WOMAN
If they know where he is.
MAN
Hmm, so he actually exists, and you met him.
WOMAN
I don’t know. Maybe I imagined it all. Maybe it was a dream.
MAN
And then what happened?
WOMAN
And then I woke up. (Starts silently crying.)
(Long Pause)
MAN
Do you want me to sing a song for you?
WOMAN
Yes, please.
MAN
(Starts singing. His voice and the light fade away gradually.)
Curtain